God is the Gardener

I'm not much of a blogger. As you can tell, I've never blogged anything besides my trip to Spain two years ago. I'm a big believer in keeping my thoughts in a journal, where no one will read them until long after I'm gone. So this is way out of my comfort zone. But I've had this thought. I keep thinking that there is someone who needs to hear our story. I think- I hope- that somehow someone out there will find strength and hope in our experience. I've pushed the thought aside time and time again, but I can't anymore. So here it goes.

In March of this year, Spence and I decided it was time to start our family. By the time we had a baby, I would be graduated with a master's degree and we already had a stable home to bring our bundle of joy home to. It was time. We knew we needed a baby, and now. Oh, how little and powerless we are. We tried for what seemed like years, but in reality was five months. Yep, by July we were going to be parents! On August 3rd I woke up to take a pregnancy test, certain it would be just as negative as they were the months before. But it wasn't! TWO LINES! And that was the moment I became a mom.

Spencer was less convinced. The next day he came home with five. count em. five. pregnancy tests and was insistent on taking all of them, just to be sure. But sure enough they all came back with the same results. And he became a dad. That Friday night he planned an extra special date for us. He took me to... Babies R Us! We walked through the store picking out all of the products that we would one day buy.... cribs, car seats, strollers and clothes, each one making us more excited than the last. Looking back, becoming a mom was exciting, but watching Spencer become a dad was one of the most mesmerizing things I've ever seen. In the weeks that followed he got the password to my Pinterest, picked out the perfect nursery for our babe, and researched names that he loved. A tender, protective, paternal side came out in him. I was falling more and more in love with every day that passed. But also, unfortunately, more and more nauseous. 

By mid August, I was puking every half hour. I was so sick, I literally couldn't function. I would wake up, move to the couch and lay curled up in a ball for the remainder of the day. I could get a popsicle or piece of dry toast in if I was lucky, but most days I wasn't eating much. It didn't matter though. It meant I was one step closer to seeing my beautiful little baby. It would be worth every second of it once I got to see my sweet little miracle. Only seven and a half more months.

We told my parents the week we found out in order to get our health insurance all squared away, but during all this time of nausea, no one else knew. My father-in-law's birthday is August 29th, and we thought that would be the perfect time to announce that we were expecting to every one else. We made him the cutest little Happy Birthday, Grandpa card. The whole family got together and we couldn't have been more anxious and excited to tell everyone our big news! It was before our first appointment, but I was nauseous beyond belief, which apparently was a "sign" that everything was going good so we didn't think it was too early. August 29th was a Friday, and by Saturday morning my nausea was gone. Nothing. We spent the weekend in Park City, so I decided it was from being out in the fresh air. I didn't think it was anything. A friend once told me, "There are so many bad things going on in the world. We can't be expecting them to happen. Be excited for the good without waiting for the bad to follow. If the bad comes, deal with when it gets there. Not before." This thought came back to my mind when the nausea subsided, and I kept pushing forward certain that everything would be alright. 

Then Tuesday came. Tuesday was a big day in our home. It was our first appointment with the OB and my first day back to school at BYU. I planned it this way. It was going to be a fun day full of wonderful news. We went in to the doctor's bright and early Tuesday morning. Our doctor, Dr. Walker, brought us in first of all to talk to us. We talked about hormones, acne, nausea, and then the fun stuff. Our baby was due April 14th. We had just seven more months to wait! After about an hour and a half appointment, we were beyond ecstatic to meet our little one. The final moments... We got to go in and hear our baby's heartbeat! We went in to the ultra sound room, Dr. Walker brought the screen up so we could see. And then there it was. Nothing. An empty sac. I remember the doctor using the word "debris" to describe the image. What was my beautiful little babe just moments before was now being called debris. I couldn't think straight. I became aware of the tight grip on my left hand. Spence was squeezing my hand, comforting me when nothing could. I was trying to be strong. I didn't want this woman who had just insulted me and my family to see me fall apart. But the tears wouldn't stop. She left the room and I crumpled onto Spencer's shoulder. And wailed. 

I don't remember much else from that day. I remember getting some pamphlets on miscarriage, I remember Spencer saying a prayer to strengthen our family, and I remember crying through my entire day of school. The doctors wanted to run some blood tests to make sure I was miscarrying, but I thought the ultra sound made it clear. I waited two days for the results of the tests, preparing myself for the certain loss. I suddenly didn't feel pregnant anymore. I felt empty. I felt nothing. I felt like... debris. I decided I wasn't going to be vulnerable to these doctors anymore. I called the doctor to get my results, knowing what was coming. I remember saying, "I know my HCG levels went down, can you just tell me?" and the nurse replied, "Your levels went down." Closure. and then followed with "But not enough to indicate a miscarriage. Your levels were already so high that a small drop is typical in pregnant women at this phase of the pregnancy." WHAT? I might still be pregnant? You hear people talk about emotional roller coasters.... I think I was on the world's biggest. "We need you to come in for another ultra sound to make sure we didn't miss another sac, or that your baby hasn't grown to be visible now." So the limbo continued. 

Monday morning we went in for the SECOND ultra sound. That came back with the same results. It was weird... I think we were both so drained at that point we didn't have a reaction. All my tears were gone. My heart was already shattered. 

Within the week we lost the baby. The physical pain was intense, but nothing in comparison to the emotional torture. Any time I would see a baby, a pregnant woman, or any one under the age of ten, I would think of our baby. We should be experiencing that. We should be living those moments with our baby. I don't know if that will every go away, but time will heal the wounds. Time, family, friends, and our Heavenly Father will make it alright.

Throughout this experience, I have learned so many things. I have learned that God's plan for us is usually different than the plan we have for ourselves. And so much bigger. Spence and I read Hugh B. Brown's "I'm the gardener here" speech today. It is exactly where we are now. We think we are beautiful trees, but God has bigger plans. He cuts us down to make us something bigger, something more beautiful than we could have ever been before. We are cut down right now, nothing more than small stumps, but God cut us down to make us better. One day when we have a big family, we will look back on this experience with gratitude and understanding of what it made us. 

 I have learned that people are good and want to help in times of distress. I've had countless neighbors, friends, peers from school, family, and even strangers help me through this past week. Meals on days that I knew I couldn't cook, visits on days that I needed to talk, and prayers. Lots of prayers. 

I have learned that gratitude will make all the difference. I am so grateful for a loving husband who knew what to do when our family was in distress. He prayed, he took our family to the temple, and he took care of his wife. I am grateful for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints that I am able to be a member of. Because of it, I know I'll see my sweet baby again. I know I will have a chance to raise my child on the other side. I know that this pain I feel in my heart is only temporary. I truly believe that before our greatest blessings come, we are first faced with insurmountable sadness. I have to believe that a great blessing is on its way for me and Spencer. So it's okay for us to be sad today, but one day we will be alright. Me and him, we're going to be alright.

They're Here!!

So this week has been an eventful one! Monday we went to Valencia for Las Fallas, a big festival held there. The people spend mass amounts of money building floats and lighting off fireworks and then at the end of the night, they light them on fire! So first of all, Spain's fireworks put America's to shame. They're a million times louder and cooler than anything I've ever seen before. No doubt they'd be illegal in America. And especially how they just light them off in the busy city, with buildings ten feet away on both sides! Tell me how that's safe! So the fireworks run all day and then around midnight they set the floats on fire. It was unlike anything I've ever seen in my entire life. We met these adorable Spanish girls and became friends with them. They were so funny, telling us about their lives and all they could in English. One even told me I could hide in her room if I didn't want to leave Spain. I just might take her up on that! 

The float at 11:59

The float a little after 12:00

These are girls dressed in traditional Valencian attire. Everyone here does this as a competition for who can light the first firework. Basically a Spanish Miss America. Dresses cost as much as 3000 Euro!!

This is the first place float

Our new friends!

 

We took a bus home around three in the morning, got back to Alcala at about seven thirty and literally slept all day on Tuesday. The rest of the week is basically a blur. I'll tell you one thing. It was filled with taking lots of the wrong trains and getting lost a lot! It was the first time I had gotten lost this whole time, right before I leave! well on to the good stuff. MY MOM AND AUNTS GOT HERE ON SUNDAY!! Sunday morning, I woke up around four in the morning, way too excited to even think about sleeping. I stayed up until just before seven and caught a taxi in. Oh my heck, I was so anxious! I couldn't hold still to save my life! I hadn't seen my mama in so long! When she finally came out the sliding doors, I started bawling. I don't think I've ever cried so hard out of joy. I just kept hugging and hugging her. I can't believe she is actually in Spain!

 We went to our house and my host brother made them churros and chocolate, the greatest breakfast ever invented. Then we went to church, where they all fell sound asleep. You can't blame them though they had been traveling all night and church was in a language they didn't understand. After church, we went back to the house and sweet Fernando and Pilar had made us a traditional Spanish meal. We had crema de calabazin, gaspacho, and paella, followed by helado, brownies, and candied almonds. My host dad always tells me I don't eat very much, but when they feed you like that you can't eat very much of each course! I love my host parents so much.

After lunch, we were supposed to go to a bull fight. But instead we got lost for four hours. First of all, don't ever trust the google maps directions of Spain. They'll get ya lost every time, pretty sure. So we had to take two trains to Majadahonda, where their hostel is. Then the security guard pointed us in the right direction and we walked up a monster hill with seven suit cases. Then we were super lost and I asked a guy where we could catch a taxi. He said nowhere close. So we walked back down the hill and waited at a sign that said taxi, but no one came forever. So we went to the gas station and got the taxi phone number, but no one has a public telephone for us to use. BUT we found the most beautiful man in all of Spain! He was wearing an Armani suit, pretty sure, and drove a little red mini cooper. I think he was famous, like a model or an actor or something. I had to ask him if I could use his phone to call a taxi. I was super embarrassed because my Spanish is not that good! I probably sounded like a fool! But we were able to get a taxi and my aunt caught a picture of him. So mission complete. We got in to their hostel, by this time having missed the bull fight completely, and I just wanted to go home. My mom called me a taxi and had it take me home. The driver was so nice! He could tell I was upset and asked what was going on. He told me we had a long ride and I could talk to him about anything. Anyway, we ended up talking the whole hour-long ride-all in Spanish! The taxi was expensive, but once it got to a certain point he turned off the counter and said he would drive me the rest of the way for free. I made it home safe and sound! I know for sure I'm being watched out for over here! 

Futbol y Francia

So I realized I basically only blog about my vacations on the weekend. So here's what goes on during the week. Every Monday night we get together with the boys in the ward and play soccer. It started with just two or three guys and slowly has turned into tons! Even full grown men come to play sometimes. I'm not the least bit good, but it's fun anyway! I love yelling things like, "aqui, aqui!" or "GOOOOL!" I get pretty into it, no matter how awful I am.  

Then this Wednesday, I went to a Real Madrid game! I bought my jersey and everything, so it looks like I'm a Real Madrid fan from now on! Before the game, me and Ali went in to Retiro Park and rented a row boat to paddle around the pond. So the guy helping us out of the boat saw my jersey and full on picked me up and threatened to throw me in the lake for being a Madrid fan! It was all just a joke, but it was still scary! He was so little I was afraid he wouldn't be able to hold me and drop me into the lake!

 So they played Moscow, and man are Russians mean! We somehow got stuck on the same metro as a big group of them. There were literally hundreds of them. I was squished up against a corner with fat, sweaty, smelly, drunk Russians invading way too much of my personal space and chanting and just being loud and obnoxious. I was literally on the verge of tears. It was one of the scarier things that has happened since I've been here. Luckily, this group of Polish men show up, speaking zero English, but somehow manage to say, "We will help you." It was the sweetest thing in the whole world. One of them even found a Real Madrid scarf on the ground and gave it to me. Once we got to the game it was a completely different atmosphere. We sat in a group of Madrid fans so it was so much fun! We were of course the loud squeally screaming American girls, but it didn't even matter! We painted our faces and everything, but turns out no one does that in Spain. We got some great looks from that one! But all in all, it was absolutely incredible!

So you would think this week was already sufficiently wonderful, but it has only just begun! Thursday we left for our trip to Northern Spain. We started in a little town called Burgos. We toured, of course, a cathedral. And then we had a picnic by the side of the river. Just super relaxing and the weather here has been great, so it was just what I needed! We kept driving into Bilbao, where we saw the Guggenheim, Bilbao. This building seriously blows my mind. It should be in Dr. Seuss land or something! The inside wasn't anything too spectacular, the greatest part was playing hide and seek in this maze exhibit. In some ways I think I've grown up a ton here, but in others pretty sure I've regressed back to a child!

The next day, I woke up and toured the peace museum in Guernica. We've been learning about Picasso's painting and this history behind it, so this was a lot cooler to me than any other museum. Honestly, I teared up a little just seeing what all of these innocent people went through. For part of it, we were taken into a 1930's style apartment and listened to a woman tell of everyday life in Guernica the bombing. Then the lights turned off and we could hear the sounds of the bombing. I know it wasn't real, but I could feel my heart racing and still felt inexplicably scared.

After the museum, our directors gave us four options. 1. Go to the nearest McDonald's and eat unlimited french fries 2. Memorize lines from Don Quixote 3. Tour the claimed most forgettable cathedral in Europe. 4. DRIVE UP TO FRANCE FOR PASTRIES! Obviously the first three were a joke, but it was a great way to present our amazing surprise. So that's right, I've officially been to France! We went up to Biarritz, France. It's a coast city in the very south of France. We went to a world renowned pastry shop and ate french pastries. I got a chocolate mousse cup dome and a raspberry pistachio cream tart. It was so insanely rich, but equally delicious! After we went and hung out on the beach for a while and then walked up and down the coast saying "bonjour" to everyone we passed. I was only in France for a couple of hours, but it was awesome! OH also turns out a little part of it was called Centerville, France. I got my little slice of home clear across the world!

That night we drove back into San Sebastian, Spain. We rode an old-fashioned double decker carousel. It was absolutely adorable. We walked along the beach again and got some great Italian food. I feel like there are days in life that are just undeniably perfect. Nothing in the whole world could have ruined this day! On our ride home, we stopped in Santa Domingo and heard a Gregorian Monk chant. Apparently they like have best-seller CD's and stuff. Who knew? It was pretty interesting to hear. Then we went to a slot canyon trail and took a mini hike for a bit. I really don't understand sometimes how I got to be so lucky!

Mama Mia!

Oh man, what a week it has been! I think I say that every week, but seriously this was a week unlike any other. Our plane left at 9:50, but Ryanair is a bit sketchy so we had to leave for the airport at 6:30! Earliest I've been up in a while! Ryanair is a funny little airline with super cheap flights. You definitely get what you pay for, though. They come on the intercom every five minutes and try to sell something. But no worries, it was well worth it! I got to Italy around noon and had to catch a bus to the hotel. This was my first experience with Italian and they did not leave a good first impression! The bus was supposed to come every half hour and didn't come for an hour and half. When Ali and Kristie went to ask someone about it, a bus finally came. Me and Veronica got on it and Kristie and Ali ran after it. The man taking tickets to get on wouldn't let them on! He said, "Are those your friends? Well then, tell them good bye!" He was super rude. But Kristie and Ali just ran on anyway. Thank goodness!

When we got to our hotel, we found ourselves in the cutest little Bed and Breakfast ever. The owner was such a sweetheart, he gave us his card and said to call him anytime if we needed help. Our room was super cramped, but a cute little place nonetheless. We decided to take a walk around the city and orient ourselves with Rome. We made our way down to the Trevi Fountain. I made the best wish ever and threw my euro in the fountain! This one better come true!!

 

That night, we went to possibly the best restaurant I've ever been to, a little pizzeria called Francesco's. I was super excited to try some authentic Italian food. Italian is already my favorite food in all the world and eating the real thing was like a dream come true! I ate a margherita pizza and carbonara pasta, all a girl could ever ask for! I also bought some gelatto from the NY Times voted best gelatto in all the world. In all honesty, it was delicious but didn't live up to the hype. It was around seven euro for a little tiny scoop. BUT I have officially tasted the best ice cream in the world. 

The next morning we went to... THE COLOSSEUM!! Oh man, it was all I'd ever hoped for and more! I was amazed at the size of it! Seriously, it's one place in the world everyone should see. We read about how slaves or criminals would fight to the death in the Colosseum for thousands of people to watch! I can't even imagine sitting in there watching that for fun. But now it's a super sweet building.

As if one incredible monument isn't enough, we went to the Vatican after the Colosseum! But first, of course, we got more delicious Italian food. I fell in love with the pesto in Italy. I had it at quite a few meals. seriously. INCREDIBLE! The good thing about Rome is that you walk a ton, so you don't feel so bad stuffing your face full of carbs all day every day. I probably walked like 20 miles a day. We went over to the Vatican and saw the museum there, along with the Sistine Chapel. The Sistine Chapel was simple beautiful. I wasn't so impressed with the painting as I was with Michelangelo's knowledge and depth of philosophy he put into the paintings. My favorite part was definitely the Last Judgement painted along the back wall. I wish they would have let me take pictures of this room, but of course cameras weren't allowed. We made our way over to St. Peter's Square and began our hike up the dome of St. Peter's Basilica. I can't even explain this to you. It was like 300 something stairs. and the walls were skinny and they slanted. It was a claustrophobic glute workout is the best way I can describe it! But it was all worth it when we got to the top and were able to look out over the square. What a great view! We met a group of students from all over the world in St. Peter's Square. They were a Christian group who met up together in Rome for Spring Break. They were such a nice group and we even danced with them a little bit in the square. 

The next day we went to the Spanish Steps. This was a great place to just relax for a bit. It was great weather so we just laid on the steps for a while. After all that walking, it felt good to just sit. I fell dead asleep sitting on them. After, we went to the Borghese Gallery. Kristie and I had our hearts set on renting vespas to drive around town, but between the Colosseum, Vatican and Borghese Gallery there wasn't time! Luckily, I found myself an Italian man on the street with a Vespa! I can now die a happy girl. That night, we met up with the rest of our group who were in Rome for a pizza party. We got a lot of food for pretty cheap, but it wasn't the best way to end my trip. The food didn't compare with what I'd had earlier that week, it was actually not very good at all. But it was so good to be back with all the girls and hear about their adventures. I flew home early the next morning. It all felt like some crazy fantasy dream, being in Rome and seeing all the sites. I absolutely loved all my experiences I had there, but in all honesty I'm so happy I live in Spain. I feel like Spain is for living and Italy is for visiting.

Happiness is a Choice

Alright, so I gotta just say it. Not all weeks are roses. I had a really bad week last week and I've been putting off writing  because of it. Monday started with a case of strep throat and a day in bed. My sweet mom here made me hot chocolate with honey to help me feel better. Don't hate it until you've tried it. It'll do wonders to a sore throat! But then, Tuesday came and I still wanted to lay around all day. I went to classes, but returned home back to bed. Wednesday we planned to go to the Royal Palace, but when we got there it was closed-one of the few days it's ever closed. Thursday was filled with more movies and more bed time. I can't explain it. I realize my week sounds awful, but I had no motivation to get up and do anything. Sometimes being away from your loved ones and the comfort of home really takes a toll on ya. I'm not the least bit ungrateful for my time here. I love it so much, but there are definitely hard times.Saturday was better. I went to El Escorial and a castle in Manzanares El Real. It was super beautiful, as are almost all buildings everywhere in Spain.

This is our director's son, Dylan, coming to save a damsel in distress

The girls at the Santa Cruz del Valle de los Caidos

El Escorial

Valle de los Caidos, the tomb of the dictator, Franco

CASTLE!

Sunday was another hard day, but my mom here, Pilar, brought me in a big soft comfy chair and let me watch a movie with her. It was in Spanish, but none the less it was great. She is so great. I told her I was feeling homesick and she said,  "Marynn, you're family is doing good. You are doing good. And that's all that really matters. Just let a little bit of time pass and you'll be with them." She is so great. I am incredibly grateful for the wonderful parents that I have here. They are a constant reminder to me that the Lord knows me personally and has sent people along my path to help me. Even last night, we told Pilar we liked celery with peanut butter, and this morning we woke up to toast with peanut butter and diced celery on it. Not exactly how we eat it at home, but it was so sweet none the less. And it didn't really taste bad. It was actually pretty good! I love my host family so much here.

The breakfast of Champs!

I know that this is a growing experience for me like none other. I read a letter from a friend recently that said, "If you choose to be happy, you can influence the lives of so many people." So that's my goal for the rest of this trip. CHOOSE to be happy. In all circumstances and in every situation. I've only got a month left here and I want it to be spent living happy. Let the good times roll!